Sunshine Notebook by Abigail Rater

Rest

I want to stay up all night.

I want to write until my fingers bleed,

Painting with my blood,

And every part of me.

I want to know what it feels like to work hard,

Keep moving through and past the dark.

I want to go until my body breaks,

Destroy myself for something great.

Sleeping early is a sign of weakness.

I’m not good enough

If I don’t work myself sick,

But there’s still a me-sized dent in my bed,

Taunting me as my resolves reach their end.

I hate myself.

I don’t want to be anyone else,

But I wish I could escape me,

Stop being this lazy.

I used to say anything was possible,

But there’s a lot I can’t do,

Always thought I was motivated.

I guess that’s not true.

I’m a loser and I didn’t even know it.

I look in the mirror and hate that me,

But is she really who You see?

You see Your creation,

Tired and broken

But healed by salvation,

Worthy by Your hand,

Though on her own she can’t stand,

A girl doing what she can do,

A girl ready to live for You.

She fails again every day,

But You pick her up,

Just the same.

Tired, weary, and put to the test,

It’s only in You

That she can find rest.

Vortex

I'm caught in the vortex

Of my own mind

Helpless frustration

All of the time

Everything I like is wrong

Not because it's bad

But just because

It never stops

I talk too much

They hate everything I say

And it hurts because I know

I know that I'm a pain

I'm too shy

I don't want to be afraid

But still meek anxiety

Drives me insane

I want to make everyone happy

Be everything for them

But I just keep on failing

Again and again and again

I got sucked down the vortex

Vortex of a teenage mind

In this rolling, racing vortex

Questions are all I can ever find

This crazy vortex

Feels like a roller coaster

I'll fight through what comes next

This isn't over

In this cold and lonely vortex

I'll never be alone

God is here beside me

Guiding me back home

A gentle breeze in my mind

The softest hand holds my heart

My life is in His grip

He's held me from the start

I'm caught in the vortex

Vortex of my racing mind

In this colorful vortex

Everything will turn out fine

The Kids

We are the kids that never grew up

Another year

So much to fear

Resolutions and goals

Guess we were the fools

Diets stop within the week

Giving up on what we seek

Determined for a single day

Until it simply falls away

A new year

New failure

What we want to change

Always makes a point to stay

What we need to stay

Is bound someday to change

Time flows too fast

They'll fall away

They'll never last

Moving on without us

No one left to trust

When we're stuck here

Trapped by our fear

Running in circles alone

Trapped in this box we call home

Surrounded by the rolling racing tide

But we can't enjoy the ride

Right here we stay stuck

The kids who never grew up

They say we'll learn and grow

How do they know

They mock all of the adults

Who act like kids

Who won't give their all

Don't know how to exist

How long before that's you or me

Just when will we be

The kids who never grew up

Still we keep going

In the box, our own current flowing

The perfect future

We haven't found

Dusty wings brush the ground

Pulling, hoping, running, falling

Rushing, rising, living, flying

Maybe we didn't grow up

Maybe we're still stuck

In our quirky reality

But we can still be

The kids who rose above

The kids who never gave up

Me, You

I hate waking up to your neatly made bed beside mine.

I hate how you're motivated all of the time.

I live on mac'n'cheese while you eat healthy.

I get frustrated and you overflow with positivity.

You can dance choreographed steps around me.

I don't even know about half of your hobbies.

Unlike my mess, you're always aesthetic.

You're so good at everything, it makes me sick.

I'm shaped wrong, but you're perfectly pretty.

You're always cute, not awkward like me.

You're so much faster than me.

You know exactly what you want to be.

You're two steps ahead of me.

I'm two steps behind you.

You're running away, I'm losing hope.

Please wait for me, where did you go?

I'm lost alone.

I don't know what to do.

I just want to be like you.

Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Why am I afraid to fall?

Mirror, mirror in my dream,

How come you don’t look like me?

Hundred versions of myself,

Each and every one needs help.

I’m scared of what tomorrow brings.

I know I can’t do everything.

I don’t want to waste my time,

Winter worries to lost sunshine.

Mirror, mirror, go away.

Don’t ruin me, don’t waste the day.

Mirrored wall breaking down,

I think at last I hit the ground.

Run Away Where we Are

I want to run away.

Why does ordinary have to be reality?

I wish I were insane.

Logical thoughts hold me back.

Why do I have to be a good kid?

It would be so much easier

If I didn't care.

I wish I didn't care.

I want to run away

But everything holds me back.

I can only escape

Into the grotto of my mind

But it's lonely up there.

I want to share it with you.

Should I share it?

Please be my escape.

Can we run away together

Right where we are?

Mind Race

Anxiety

I want to scream

Everything is impossible

I want to be it all

But I'm nothing

Just drowning

Running out of time

Can't keep myself in line

I need to hold on

But I'm falling apart

Maybe I should let go

But I don't know where to start

And it kills me to be like this

Writing another depressing poem

About everything and nothing

Seemingly real problems

That don’t exist

But I need to get it out

Sometimes I want to run away

But the person I really need to escape is me

I could leave it all behind

To have a great adventure

But I'd still be by myself

My thoughts wheeling faster

I just want to go

But I know I won't

Why am I such a good kid

Why do I have to care about others’ feelings

Why do I have to feel my own

I need an escape

I used to find it in my mind

But now everything is so tangled

I’d get lost up there

I guess I'll just keep going

On this rocky path

I'll work until I am everything I want to be

It might be the wrong mentality

But determination can't hurt

If I'm already broken

I'll keep pursuing my dreams

And try to enjoy the journey

Even when it feels like the earth

Is swallowing me

I can't run away

But maybe I can fly to new heights

Someday

Am I Mad?

Am I mad?

This is a story told fictionally

About an insane girl named me.

Up is down, down is up.

Stop is go, go is stop.

The story happens in my head.

Is it real?

Am I real

Or am I dead?

My thoughts are one psychotic pool

And me, the fool,

Writing them out so they look cool.

Am I thoughtful?

Am I deep,

Or is this just cheap,

A plastic cover

Over my ravings and my rhymes

At the most confusingly normal of times.

Confused

I'm exhausted.

What are these emotions?

Where did they come from?

I feel so happy

I want to cry,

But I'm all heavy and helpless.

I want to cry.

All I can do is live,

But why do I live so slowly?

I want to fly,

But I keep pulling myself down.

How do I get out of my way?

This is all nothing.

I'm making it up in my head

But it feels so real.

Why do I almost like it?

A hundred words I'm trying to say

Blare in my ears,

But I can feel the immense silence

Behind them.

Am I really saying anything?

I want to pour my heart out,

To write my every feeling,

But I don't know where to start

Or where to go.

Is this real?

I don't understand.

I don't know.

But there's a pencil in my hand

And I'm holding on to it.

Holding on to my words,

All of the colorful thoughts in my mind.

Holding on to each smile

That floats me through the day.

Holding on.

I guess I'll start there.

In a Rut

Ugh.

I want to scream

Or cry.

My mind is fuzzy.

I want to sleep,

But dreams are better

In the day.

Every morning

I think, ‘This is the day.

Today I'll do everything right.’

Every night

I feel heavy as a weight.

‘Sleep tonight,

I'll do tomorrow right,’

I always tell myself.

So the cycle goes.

Filled with painful ninety percents

On schoolwork

And too many saves on Pinterest.

In between.

My words mean nothing.

I say what I'll do

To start or end the circular day,

But I never do it.

I say it to keep my wheels turning.

I don't want to stop moving.

Even if I ride in the same old ruts

Over and over again,

At least I'm moving.

The circle grows smaller

Little by little.

I'm growing dizzy.

I spiral smaller and smaller

And soon I'll have nowhere to go.

Dizzy, so dizzy.

I need to get out.

I need to break free.

These ruts,

Why do they hold me?

I'm done

Running in circles.

There are infinite tomorrows,

More blank pages,

New roads to explore.

A whole future for me to write.

I need to start somewhere.

I'll go for today

Before today is yesterday.

It might be scary,

But I'm so dizzy there are stars in my eyes,

So I don't care.

I'm going for it.

The rut is broken.

No more, 'This or that will be the time.’

This

The time.

Now my head is clear.